Whitney Was Renewed For a Second Season (And Other Signs of the Apocalypse)
Ever since my first piece on sports and pop culture signaling the end of the world, I’ve noticed plenty more signs that the world’s date with destiny on December 21, 2012 is all but assured. I decided to revisit the topic by going over some more recent moments that prove we’ll be taking locust showers and looting stores in no time. here they are:
- The Los Angeles Clippers made it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. More than that, they made it as far (and were essentially as successful) as the Lakers. I don’t need to run through the Clippers pathetic history out for this to sound insane. This would be like RC Cola suddenly, from one year to the next, matching the sales of Coca Cola. I’m pretty sure there are about to be riots in the City of Angels.
- On that note, there were recently six playoff games in four days at the Staples Center. For three different teams, and two different sports, no less. I’m assuming the entire Staples Center staff had to make an agreement to simply eat their fallen comrades and keep working rather than observe funeral rites.
- If you thought the idea of making a movie based on the game Battleship was a sign that mankind was in trouble then you’re going to love this. There are currently films in the works for Ouija, Monopoly and Candy Land. I suspect they will eventually take all three franchises and give them The Avengers‘ treatment and make a mega movie in which the ghost of the Monopoly Guy is summoned via Ouija bored to help a young hotel builder on a journey that will take them through the Candy Cane Forest to highest heights of Gum Drop Mountain. Oh well, not everything can be as great as Clue.
- NBC’s Whitney was picked up for a second season. Whitney! (If you’re saying to yourself “Hey, I like that show,” please click on that link. In fact, here it is again.) Aside from being painfully offensive to anyone with a sense of humor, it also contains a laugh track, one of the most heinous inventions in existence. We’re inching ever close towards the death of this insulting television trope, designed to hide bad writing, but Whitney is helping keep it afloat. We can forgive Seinfeld for having one because every show had one back then, but this is 2012 and only CBS’s soul soul sucking lineup still sees fit to belittle the audience with canned laughter. In the words of famed illusionist, George Oscar Bluth, “Come on!”
- The once noble The Office has become a sad washed up shell of its former self. Unlike its superior lookalike, Parks & Recreation, Dunder Mifflin has been stagnant since around season 4 (I maintain that the season 3 finale was a perfect series’ finale) and should have wrapped things up when it still could claim to be an instant classic. Now the excellent years are marred by the ensuing mediocrity and sadness. Sort of like a television version of Brett Favre. So you may find it alarming (in an apocalyptic sort of way) that The Office just got renewed for a NINTH season. Sure there are business reasons and blah blah blah but I’m pretty sure we’re just taunting the Mayans at this point.
- Howard Stern is being shown as a beloved figure on network TV. I don’t think I need to say anything more on that.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic Jazz Age masterpiece The Great Gatsby, is being adapted into a film. Normal stuff. Oh wait, it’s a 3D film. Once again I think I can just let that speak for itself. A 3D Great Gatsby. Now I’m waiting for the pop-up book adaptation of the 3D film so my collection of insane adaptations can be complete.
- Chris Bosh was injured and an entire new cycle was devoted to talking about his importance to the Miami Heat. He was called “the most important player on the Heat” by multiple people and the Earth let out its death knell. Luckily, Lebron James and Dwyane Wade delayed the planet’s inevitable destruction by reminding the world that, no, Chris Bosh is not the most important anything. Sadly, Lebron being a hero is another sign that the end is nigh.
- Mariano Rivera’s trusty robotic arm suffered a malfunction and is going to take an entire year to be repaired due to the difficulty of acquiring plutonium. One can only assume that he’ll take advantage of the repairs by having a batter blinding strobe light installed, and use the time off to sacrifice more virgins to restore his eternal youth.