Hollywood is Making a “Gritty Superhero” Reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (And Other Signs of the Apocalypse)
There are a bevy of reasons to discount the insane theory that the Mayans predicted the world would end in this, the two thousand and twelfth year of our lord (for starters there are innumerable calendar confusions stemming from the fact that our calendar is randomly based on the birth of Jesus, which is itself a contested date). I’m not a religious man so I tend to view nuclear weapons as a far bigger threat than any sort of supernatural destiny but I can’t help but notice that the world of sports and the world of movies/TV have been displaying some vaguely apocalyptic signs. Sure the recent locust swarms were a bit odd and I definitely wasn’t dressed appropriately on that day it rained frogs but hell, that’s just nature getting its unorthodox on. The film industry and the world of American sports, on the other hand, have been eerily foreboding and carry a slight stink of brimstone. Let’s review some recent happenings that probably point towards The End of Days:
- The NFL was taken by storm by a quarterback who was truly terrible at his position. He didn’t just win over the masses with a great smile and attitude but rather a series of wins so fluky that it seems likely God and/or Satan got involved. Despite my religious aversion I do find the idea of The Antichrist interesting in an academic way and have read lightly on the subject. Tebow seems to fit the bill. Charismatic and capable of amassing followers and he certainly qualifies for the category of “working all kinds of counterfeit miracles and signs.” (Thessalonians 2:9). He doesn’t meet all the criteria but I think it’s entirely possible he’s only a virgin so nobody sees his devil tail. Then there’s this totally real picture.
- Recent reports out of Hollywood are that Sony is planning a “dark and gritty” reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch in which a wannabe version of Melissa Joan Hart will play the character as a superhero. Sure it’s easy to write this off as Hollywood wanting to make a movie about a teenage superhero and slapping a franchise title on it for box office and creativity raping purposes. But this feels so improbably insane that I thought it was an Onion article when I first noticed the headline. Worst of all, Sony has still not answered one of my many letters requesting an edgy reboot of Clarissa Explains It All and Melissa Joan Hart hasn’t signed the petition. Et tu, Melissa?
- Jeremy Lin slyly emerged from the depths of
hellIvy League basketball to capture the hearts of millions. He then broke those same hearts along with his meniscus. This feels a lot like Antichrist Part 2: This Time…It’s Ethnic. Did I mention that Tebow and Lin somehow ended up in the same city? What are the odds? I mean, I’ll scream louder than anybody about how different their two stories are (Lin is actually good) but it still makes you wonder. Could this be the Devil’s one-two punch?
- The Twilight series is still making money. A lot of money.
- Michael Bay decided to make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie in which the characters are presented as ADULT ALIENS! (Not porn aliens…that I might watch). Adult Alien Ninja Turtles is a much less appealing concept but the particulars of why it’s less appealing, escapes me. Something about nostalgia I suppose.
- Channing Fucking Tatum delivered one of 2012′s best comic performances.
- The Blue Jays and Royals both came into this season with great buzz. People in Kansas City are practicing cautious optimism for the first time in decades and at least several residents of Toronto are now aware that the city has a baseball team.
- Peyton Manning isn’t a member of the Colts. If you were to travel back in time five years and tell someone that they’d assume that either Manning 1.) Died 2.) Retired 3.) Was involved in commencing the apocalypse.
- Whitney and Are You There, Chelsea, have not been cancelled by NBC yet Community and Parks and Recreation have to fight for their lives at every turn. This is a sign that humanity might deserve a brutal onslaught of comets and plagues.
- The Detriot Lions were in the playoffs. That pretty much says it all.
- Tim Tebow was a starting NFL quarterback in the playoffs. ALL HAIL LORD TEBOW…Jeez, did I write that out loud? Oh no. It’s begun.